Grandpa Really Shouldn't Be Driving

Leslie is back. And she's on fire.

It was really more like a black-lighted bowling dance. :)

<3

Leslie on Pork

This morning I woke up with a skip in my step. I knew it was going to be a good day but wasn't sure why... until I logged into Gmail and saw Leslie's name.

Here's a refresher on Leslie: She's awesome. 

Over the years, she's sent dozens of emails to the wrong Rachel Williams (me). They are very detailed. I am pretty sure I know more about Leslie's family than I do my own.

Today's gem was much like 90 percent of Leslie's emails: A single photo with no context whatsoever. I see this as her way of challenging us to use critical thinking skills.

Where were we? Ahh, the photo. 

PORK!

She had me at line one, mainly because at first I thought this "shoulder pack" she speaks of was an actual backpack. Leslie seems to be quite the salt connoisseur. It’s making me thirsty.

Yes, Leslie. I'm sure it's the best with sticky rice.

Do you need more no subject, no context photos from the Leslie archive?

I lied. This one had a subject: "guess who I just saw!??"

This Transfer Is Going To Be Sick.

This is Garrett's reply to his mom Leslie. In case this is something that needs pointing out, it gets bigger when you click it. That's what she said.

It's immediately clear that Garrett is an advocate of the exclamation point. I'll go out on a limb and say that I've never seen this many exclamation points co-exist in one place at the same time.

We've also gotten confirmation that Garrett absolutely lives in D.C. Can't you just picture him rolling his eyes in exasperation as he's typing answers to his mom's brainless, inane questions? GOSH Mom, why are you so stupid!? Or, more accurately, GOSH Mom, why are you so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I don't think we would be jumping to conclusions if we said that Garrett is of the Mormon persuasion. The fact that his e-mail account is "myldsmail" kind of cinches the deal there.

Garrett's devout commitment to the exclamation point is not reflected in his erratic capitalization choices. Anacostia gets a cap; trinidad does not. See also: Ghetto. 

Yes, Garrett, let's talk about This Transfer And How Sick It's Going To Be:

Again, we see Garrett probably doesn't lose much sleep over where capital letters do and do not go. Maybe this is his way of rebelling? I'm with Garrett in that I agree that Utah and also maybe other places too frown upon blowing fish up with dynamite. 

Do you like how he says that the Nats game was "the bomb" and then segues into dynamite?

Finally, I really don't know about this Amanda or why her panties are in such a bunch. 

photos from Leslie

Hello! Before we hear from the exclamation point enthusiast also known as Leslie's son Garrett, here are a couple of photos from the Leslie archive. The desired recipient was, as always, a Rachel Williams who is 100 percent not the one typing this, but here we are.

 

More or less self-explanatory, I think.

This one made me pause.

In Peru they just use dynamite

Hi there! Today I want you to meet Leslie. Leslie forwarded me this e-mail recently even though I am in absolutely no way the intended Rachel Williams and in no way is the intended Rachel Williams me. Over the years, Leslie's been one of my favorite senders of e-mails from strangers meant for other Rachel Williamseses.

Amanda, who it sounds like is Garrett's sister, is a pain in the ass. 

OK, re: bruschetta. Did you know the proper way to pronounce it is brus-KET-a? 

So I'm studying abroad in Florence (not now dummy, in college) and one night our professor summons everyone into the dining room. We’re a little unsure what's going on, so we self-soothe with limoncello. Then (sit down, this is dramatic) in walks Katie Lee Joel.

You know her? Billy Joel's child bride/Miami University's own Katie Lee Joel. 

Not like Billy Bob Thornton or Tommy Lee Jones. 

Katie "Lee" Joel.
Katie Joel née Lee.
Katie Joel whose middle name at birth was not Lee.

Are we good?

She whips out a port-a-kitchen and starts giving us a cooking lesson (?). 

She’s  standing there chopping garlic and speaking in broken Italian when someone says it "brush-etta." She quit chopping and stared at this person all icy like. “It’s brus-KET-uh.” 

Bam! Game changing! 

I don't remember much else because I was busy trying to block the mental image of anyone 
Katie having, um, relations with the Piano Man. He’s like 60 years older. Eww.
She told us she calls him "Bill.” Huh.  I feel like he's  more of a Billy. Wow, all that from bruschetta!

Ok, “Yunior.” Can we all agree that this needs to become Yu Darvish's official nickname immediately? Yu + Junior = Yunior. Pow, there I go again with the sports. Anyway, this Strawberry Reservoir is in Utah, which will become central to Garrett's story later. Also, am I on glue or am I reading correctly that in Peru they fish with dynamite? Seems a bit much, but hey, YOLO.

One thing I appreciate about Leslie is how she makes you think she’s wrapping it up but then proceeds to slap out another half page about tulips. Also, who the hell is Matt?

Leslie is good people. I like Leslie. 

:) 

Lowly Logan Pt. 3: You Let Everyone Touch You

I considered awarding Logan bonus points for getting imbecile right. Then he said “innaproprietly.”

Lowly Logan Part 2: Overmature

Before this next installment of the saga of Logan and Theresa, I have an ethical dilemma. I was able to locate both Logan and Theresa on Facebook. There's no question it's them because they both have unusual last names. (I bet they never get e-mails from strangers. Zing.) Turns out they're from the same small town in Oklahoma and went to high school together. I would love to get some of the back story from Theresa, and the fact that I discovered a second surefire way to contact her makes it feel like fate. But that might be weird. That would definitely be weird.

Graded by: Rachel

Graded by: Rachel

Graded by: Rachel